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Reader,

If I kept my eyes open, the world blurred and swirled around me. When I squeezed them shut, I felt the pull of each spin deep in the space between my sternum and my soul.

Through my spotted vision, I grabbed my phone and turned to Google. I typed "panic attack and vertigo, eyes open or eyes closed?" There wasn’t a good answer.

I only had two cards to play and they both sucked.

Soon enough, a wave crashed down and I erupted in the stillness. Panic poured through me and out of me and pushed me further into the corner of the couch where it sunk in a little deeper.

My tears were fire.

The air was missing oxygen.

The silence had a sound that I couldn’t turn off.

As the Oregon rain carried on outside, the grayness swallowed me whole.

*

It was March, 2023. The month of my Dad’s birthday and the six month marker of his very own death. He would have been 57 this year.

Since his passing, I clung to my routines and habits and I attempted, in every way I could, to process and feel my emotions; to work through this thing we call grief. I walked and journaled and sweat and cried, but as the shadows of panic followed me, I wondered where I missed the mark.

What’s wrong with me? I asked in desperation over and over again. What the hell am I doing wrong?

In April, I returned home to San Diego to my boyfriend and our studio apartment by the beach. May Gray came early, and the sky was smudged in dark graphite. It was just like Oregon.

We went on a morning walk like we always did. Where the bay met the boardwalk and where the boardwalk met the beach, I crumbled.

My vision slurred and the world turned as the sky met the sand and marbled altogether.

I wasn’t alone, but it felt like it. My panic was met with silence and my fear went into the void.

At the very same time, I heard the voice of the Knowing inside me. Truthfully, it might have been there all along, but among the rubble and the chaos of my heart and my mind, I finally let it in.

Turns out, grief was not the problem. I was in the wrong place and I was with the wrong person.

One hard decision and many harder conversations later, I packed my bags, embraced Rock Bottom as tight as I could, and let it lead the way. I left my home of four years, my boyfriend of two, some of my absolute best friends, and the place I owe for growing up.

As I drove away, the salty air behind me, my Knowing bowed to me and the panic fled as quickly as it came.

The spinning stopped.

And the only anxiety left felt normal.

In the place that used to pull, my soul ached.

On the edges of my heart, I cracked.

Where my tears once burned, salt trailed behind.

This still hurts, I thought, but I’m on the other side.

*

This isn’t a story about love or heartache and it’s not a story about grief or panic attacks, either.

It’s a story about digging deep and being brutally honest with yourself. It's about having the bravery to discover the secrets you’ve tucked away and finding even more courage to listen to them and change.

This is a story about kissing Rock Bottom straight on the lips, and letting it take the reins.

*

It’s been a long six months since that night in the corner of the couch, and I stand with my feet rooted beneath me. The world around me is clear, the stillness is soft, and the crisp mountain air glides in and out of my lungs. My Knowing is at peace. I am at peace.

I followed Rock Bottom.

I came home to myself.

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your daily pick me up

The last two letters I've written to you have been a product of a course I'm going through, Write of Passage. Every week, we're challenged to write an essay, ideate and converse with other students, collect feedback, read and edit others' work, and ultimately, grow as writers and people. It's extremely time consuming and intensive, but spending so much time writing and working through my ideas and experiences with others has really helped me understand them. It's given me clarity that I really haven't gotten anywhere else (except maybe therapy or my own journal).

Today I challenge you to write a letter to your future self. What do you look like and feel like in the future? What actions have you taken between now and say, 6 months from now, that you want to thank yourself for? What things have you accomplished? Get specific, and bring that person and image to life. Give them your thanks and your gratitude.

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Repeat after me...

Say this affirmation out loud in the mirror 10 times every day. Write it in your journal over and over. Visualize it before bed. Feel it. Believe it.

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What I’m loving

Spending time moving my body outside while soaking up alllllll the fall colors. I spent this last weekend in Sun Valley and we hiked every single day. Here were some of my favorite views:

Get outside, bask in the color, and get your body moving.

💕 Morgan

PS - I'm working on a new 5 day challenge that will help you build strength, confidence, and healthy habits in less than 25 minutes a day. Click here to get it as soon as it's ready.

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